Today I came to see you. All dressed up, and clean. And I painted your toenails, as I wanted to, which has to be one of the most surreal experiences of my life to date. But that was just functional. Albeit essential. And purple.
And then I was allowed some time with you. I wish I could say you looked absent. You didn’t, not enough anyway. You just looked asleep. Holding your hand was still your hand, even it if was a cold hand. When I hugged you, you still filled the same space in my arms, and in my heart. You were still too much you whilst not being you at all. I just wanted to stay there with you forever, and yet I still had to leave.
I’m really struggling with how to keep doing this. All my friends and family, all the visits and the company and support…and all I want to be is with you. I’ll be back to visit next week, and I don’t care how unhealthy that might be. I’m never going to be ready to let go of you, so I’m going to hold on for as long as I can. Cos once that curtain closes, that will be it. And I don’t want it to be. I can’t hold hands with ashes. I’d almost rather this go on for much longer. If I could just check in from time to time? I’m really not ready for that final step. And fuck the word closure.
In the meantime if you’re listening, what the fuck have you done with your bicycle chain bracelet? I can’t find it anymore, and the longer I can’t find it, the more important it seems.
Just so as you know – I love you. I have never loved anyone the way I love you, and I never will.