I’ve spent today trying to wrap my head around what’s happened so far this week, with very little success. I’ve just had a very nice evening chatting to Steve, a friend who cycles, about it all in a fairly logical and rational and analytical sense, which was interesting and constructive. I wish I could feel that way all the time. To not care what people think about me, or about us. To understand that we knew how things actually were. And those that matter know too. And that’s all that really matters. So why do I feel this constant urge to make things better with people who don’t care at all about how I feel? I should be focusing on looking after myself and coping with my issues, not worrying about theirs.
I feel odd. I feel tired. Very sad. Very flat, drained, empty. Kind of numb. I’ve felt a bit disassociated all day. It’s like my brain has hit the threshold of what it can deal with. Anything over and beyond that comes with a sort of numb disbelief. I’m really hoping my counsellor can help me make some sense of it all on Friday.
If I had the energy I’d be mad at you for leaving me behind to deal with all of this. As it is I’m too tired and too sad, and missing you too much to waste energy on something so pointless. I just wish you were here. I always wish you were here. 😭💔