Which started with a spa day where I proved I can still ride a bike, and swim, but also proved I can’t relax when I’m somewhere where, the last time I was there, I was constantly in contact with Matt, and looking forward to seeing him when I got home. In the meantime my work inbox filled up with things I am going to have to deal with tomorrow and I could feel my anxiety levels raising every time I checked my phone. So I was in uncontrollable tears a lot of the time, whether I liked it or not, but I was in good (and very understanding) company with George and therefore reminded how amazing truly good friends are.
I had a long chat with youngest on the phone in the pub later when I was back, where I was hiding because I had no plans for the evening and didn’t want to be home alone, and eldest was working there, which helped put some perspective on things, as they both do, and grounded me a bit. I definitely felt better after talking to her. I frequently need reminding to dig myself out of the pit my brain has spiralled itself into.
And then a plan materialised and I’ve since been out with Gary and discovered biker pubs I never knew existed, met some very interesting people, and was once again reminded how good it is to spend time with friends, new or old, and to also be reminded that there is a world outside this sometimes too small town.
I am aware that I am not coping very well and that my thoughts often end up in some very dark, often scary, places. I am learning that I need to focus on looking after me, spend time with people that matter, and try to heal. I have a lot on my plate and I don’t need anything adding to it, and I have a long way to go until I’m ok. For a very brief time, since I’m knackered and won’t be awake for long, I feel a little bit stronger, or angrier, or whatever it is that makes me feel like maybe I can cope with tomorrow. I’m sure life will prove me wrong, it keeps doing that.
Matt and I knew what we were and what we meant to each other. And yes, we weren’t perfect. Show me a relationship that really is! Whatever happened, or happens, I will always be grateful for having had him in my life. I will always wish he still was. However some things I do not need in my life. So I’m going to try and look after myself and focus on those who are part of the solution, not part of the problem, as someone wise once told me.
Love you, my beautiful boy. You were so many places in my day today, and I have missed you massively as ever. You were my other half. I know you’re gone but an awful lot of you is still with me. Miss you truly, madly, deeply. 😭💔