I’m not going to lie, it’s been a bl**dy hard week. My plate has been continually piled higher. I have disappointed by those I expected much better of, and amazed by those I expected nothing from. Words have been had with me re how I’m not doing at work, at a time when I couldn’t cope with that at all, and my urge to just quit entirely reared its not so ugly head. As someone worried about me put it, you can get another job; you can’t just go and get your mental health back. I chose to breathe deeply, and try to do my best…it’s all I can do.
Once again I am facing another weekend without Matt, and Austin will be away. Luckily my brother is coming down, and a group of my actual friends have a Saturday night plan, so that I will conveniently be out of town. For various reasons that I’m not going to go into here, it’s been suggested that I might not want to be around here tomorrow night. Luckily things have fallen into place in such a way as to make that possible. I hope it’s a nice night. But at least by the time I get to it, get through it, and get home, another day will nearly be over, even if turns out not to have been great, and I’m still very big on the one day at a time thing. It’s all I can do.
Today the vet reassured us that Max is going ok. Today I saw my counsellor who helped me make sense of some of the sh*t that is going on around me, and reassured me that I’m not going mad, and the way I’m feeling is normal, and how the hell is anyone expected to feel good and cope with all that is being thrown at me when they’ve lost the love of their life? And I have. I’ve never claimed we were perfect. We had our issues. No one gets to this age without baggage, but our relationship was far from toxic. And 95% of the time it was the stuff that dreams are made of. I never thought I would be lucky enough to have that kind of relationship, and I still can’t quite believe I was, even though it’s come to this.
Sometimes I wonder if I imagined it. He was here…and then he was gone, and all of it happened so fast, and we didn’t have long enough together, and it just isn’t fair. I miss him. Constantly. I stayed late at work to try and catch up, and just cried the entire time because I was already stressed by work, and he wasn’t there keeping me company as he once would have been. But I tried, and that’s all I can do.
Sadly the only time I’m really happy these days is when I’m asleep and dreaming, I have no reason to get up early tomorrow. So in a little while I shall take my antidepressants, which will send me off into the land of nod, and I shall be endeavouring to stay there for as long as possible, before I have to wake up and face the fact that reality hasn’t changed, Matt still isn’t here, life is still sh*t, and people frequently suck. I’m hanging in here by a thread, but I’m still here. I haven’t checked out. And that’s something. I did that.
Today is behind me. I’ve made it through another day. Another day where I miss you, love you, see you in places where you aren’t, hear your voice, hear your music, and hold on as tight as possible to what is left of you. That’s also all that I can do. Man, I wish you were here 😭💔