Mostly stable

I’ve had a mostly stable day. Well, until this evening anyway. Got new contact lenses. Took Dad to the hospital for a biopsy he needed. Went out with eldest for food and then to the cinema for “Knives Out”. But it was the first time I’ve been to the cinema without Matt, and the last time was that cinema, and I missed him being there to snuggle up with, and to elbow when he fell asleep and started snoring which he would inevitably do, whatever the film. Even a super sized Daniel Craig wasn’t cutting it as a replacement. I enjoyed the film as it happens, but it wasn’t the same…

And then we came home, and I had to pack for being away for this weekend’s Christmas Shopping Fayre, and just the thought of being there without him was enough to set the tears flowing. I’m all scared and anxious and weepy again. I’m pretty sure my packing is as a result a bit haphazard, but at this point…I’ve done the best I can.

Last year we did it all together; he drove, we stayed together in some Airbnb place I think, and we spent hours working together setting up Santa’s grotto amongst other things. Hell, he even bought my Christmas present there. This year, as with every one of our upcoming shows, I’m going to be doing it on my own. Staying in Topsham with the team, not with him. Not having him help me set things up, arrange flowers, fill up empty stands etc. Not having him hold my hand as we walk around the aisles, and chat to stall holders and take photos and video. Knowing he was with me always made me a little braver, a little more confident. Believe it or not, I’m actually quite shy, and his support made all the difference. He made me a better me.

I won’t be wandering around Topsham with him, hanging out in the gin bar, looking at and admiring the boats, checking out the arty shops, getting a bit of quality time away together, and taking in a beach on the way home. I’ll have to walk past all the various places we’ve stayed there over the years, and know that’s all in the past, and each one full of memories. There are going to be a lot of voids, and also a lot of loneliness. Not to mention a lot of tears.

And the team accommodation arrangements are a bit split this time around, rather than us all being in one house, and in my hyper sensitive state I’m worried that maybe that’s because certain people are avoiding me, or just don’t want to be around me.

Whatever. It’s liable to be a tough couple of days, with plenty of other work to be done for the other shows going on in the background, and I’d just like to get it over and done with as soon as possible. I will be spending a lot of time just trying to hold it together, to do my job, and to not let anyone down. One day at a time. One show at a time.

In the meantime I know the company in question yesterday has received my returned memorial ring. Here’s hoping they get it back to me, as it was supposed to be, very soon, so that I have something “nice“ to come back home to. With quotes because it’s not really a nice thing is it, but it is important, so…second time lucky?  Maybe they’ll even refund the special delivery postage that was necessary to return it to them. Hm…

And, best thing today, amazingly, someone had handed in my/his keys that I lost on Monday at The Mall at Cribbs Causeway, which I’ve now collected, on the way home from Dad’s hospital appointment. Weirdly the split ring holding them together, and the WeightWatchers key ring bit were both missing. But the important bit was there. Got to go with the little things these days.

Deep breaths, distraction, and my meds, and maybe if you’re out there somewhere and could just hold my hand over the next few days? It’s not going to be same without you. Nothing ever is. I still love you. Always will. I still can’t believe that you’re not with me, or that I was lucky enough to have you in the first place 💖.

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