I’m working away from home, at The Christmas Shopping Fayre in Exeter. And staying in Topsham. Last year Matt was with me. And we’ve stayed in Topsham together lots of times for various trade shows etc. It feels weird and wrong being here without him.
Clearly he’s not here. But my brain clearly rationalises this in the background by thinking he must just not have been able to get the time off work. So I keep getting the urge to ring him or message him, to let him know how I’m getting on, just as I once would have done. It’s odd and not that pleasant, because it means I keep having to remember I can’t do that, and every time it’s like a little stab to the heart.
I’ve been mostly holding it together though. As long as no one is too nice to me or asks me how I’m really doing. And walking around both the show and Topsham and bumping into so many memories has led, unsurprisingly, to some emotional weepy moments. There’s the stall he got my Christmas present at last year, there are the Airbnb places we’ve stayed at, there’s the pub we drank in. Etc, etc, etc.
But for the last few days my meds seem to have been doing their job; just taking me a mental step back from it all. The grief and the pain is all still there, but it’s just a little further below the surface. Which I guess is good. And now I’m trying to get used to being on my own and having to do everything by myself. That’s what single is. Even though I don’t feel single. Not at all. I’m not ready to be single, even though that’s technically what I am.
In my heart I’m still with Matt. I still miss him, and I still love him. I brought his fleece with me, and went to sleep hugging it last night, like a child with a comforter. It helped. It felt like part of him was with me. Whatever gets you through, right?
Love you. SO wish you were here with me. Nothing is the same without you. 😢💔