There are better days.
And there are worse days.
Today was a bad day.
I woke up emotional and stayed that way pretty much all day, on and off, more or less visibly. You try spending hours surrounded by Christmas gifts, and Christmas music, and I cry at brass bands at Christmas as it is – so arriving at work to the Salvation Army Band doing their thing…? Not a great start to my working day.
And coming home wasn’t coming home.
It was just coming back to an empty house. Again.
So I came back to the house and cried properly, and cried, and cried, and let out all the noise and tears that I’ve not been able to let out over the past few days away.
Then I ended up in the pub, reading, while Austin worked, because I just couldn’t face being at home on my own. I couldn’t think of one place I wanted to be, one thing I wanted to do. I could have called people, but all I really wanted to do was to call Matt, and I didn’t want to just cry down the phone all over anyone else. So I stayed for a couple of hours and then came back and did the same thing all over again. (Max is not at all sure what to do with a wailing owner!)
Now all I need is for eldest to come up and put a new patch on for me, then to take my meds, and then to go to sleep and just dream it all away for a while. I’m tired, I’m sad, and it’s been a long, long day.
I just miss him SO much and without him, I’m massively lonely, horribly sad, and just a bit of a wreck all ’round really. I’m sure I sound like a pretty pathetic case. A grown woman, suddenly incapable of standing on my own two feet. But that’s just the way it is today. I love him, and I miss him, and if that means I need to cry, then I’m crying. That’s how grief is today.