Today was not a good day. Today meant taking Dad to the hospital for his hip op check up (new hip is fine, old hip is now proper f*cked), when the last time we did that, it was with Matt. And there he wasn’t, but I could remember it all so vividly, and there I was on my own, and it wasn’t good. There was more than usual waiting around- x-ray was rammed – and I got some work done, and had a hazelnut coffee, and then wandered off for a bit and sat in the middle of the hospital while the world went by, with tears streaming down my face, wondering how I’m going to cope with doing all the things that Matt always supported me in without him, and feeling completely incapable of coping with anything at all.
Afterwards we four went to lunch for Mum’s birthday, at the Windmill, and I mostly kept it together, and it was all very pleasant, until we left them again and Austin drove me home, and I cried all the way home because once again, there hadn’t been a Matt there, and there hadn’t been a Matt with me all day.
Still, I went to work after that, and did some work, concentrating hard so as to not think of anything else, and then left on the dot, to take Max (the new kitten) to the vets for a check up. He has a bit of a cold, and apparently really doesn’t like car journeys – cue much pitiful wailing. Him and I cried all the way there and back, but on the upside, at least the car worked, right?
And then I went to the Square. I grabbed Austin for a much needed hug, and to give him a kitten update, and then popped in to the Lamb for a quick work catch up with Sharon, who got me in full-on, bad day, not coping mode (sorry!) without warning. I am lousy company. Once she’d gone, I could have stayed out longer, but I decided not to. I nipped in to the shop on the way back to the house instead and saw all the new Christmas food bits and bobs, and tried not to cry all the way round, therefore failing to buy half the things I actually meant to get because I was just thinking about how Matt wasn’t with me, and what’s the point of shopping for such things for one? And last year we had Christmas together on our own and it was lovely and this year, well…I don’t want to do Christmas at all, I just want it all to go away and to ignore it and I can’t, because everywhere is putting up decorations, and people are talking about it, and other people aren’t me and they still want to have Xmas, but it’s just going to be sh*t however you look at it, whatever we do to try and make it be ok, because it’s going to be another first, another thing that Matt isn’t there for. Another thing I’ll be doing without him.
Now I’m “home” watching crap TV, and paying attention to the kitten. Max may have a cold, but he is still very cute, and he’s currently being very playful and chasing his tail all over Matt’s side of the bed, where Matt isn’t. Ah, actually now he isn’t. Now he’s sleeping on Matt’s pillow, where Matt isn’t. I need to wash his face when he’s next in the mood for me doing such things. Having a snotty nose/eyes is not great when you spend most of the time hiding under the bed. Having said that, he is very cute when he sneezes…
Basically I’m just waiting for it not to be today anymore. But it’ll just be another day where Matt isn’t. So tomorrow is not going to be any better than today was. That same sh*t different day thing holds very true these days. People keep telling me how strong I am, while I feel the total opposite of that, and I don’t know how they can’t see that, and I feel like I’m hanging on by a thread. That’s what comes of being far better at expressing myself with the written word than I am with those that I speak.
Today is full of Matt not being here, as if you hadn’t gathered. How can an absence feel so tangible? I feel really down, really sad, fragile and lost, and yet oddly flat and numb at the same time. What’s the point of being on the meds when I still feel this low? When my thoughts still wander off to very dark places? Surely that means they’re not doing any good? Ah well, I’ll keep taking them for the time being, like the Dr said to. At least that means I’ll sleep, right? One sh*tty day at a time…