Nearly there

Monday morning. Woke up to a text from the Coroner’s representative to let me know that the Coroner has listed Matt’s inquest as next Wednesday 18th at 12.00pm. Inevitably as I had an all day tattoo session booked that day; it was either going to screw with that or the work Christmas do, right? Sods law, as ever. At least the tattoo session can be rescheduled. Hopefully for before Christmas, but I doubt it, there’s not much spare time left, and there’s a lot of work to do between now and then.

Anyway, in just over a week the final nail in the bureaucratic coffin will be hammered in. The coroner will go over the facts, record his final official verdict, and the official death certificates will be issued. I will be there. I can’t explain why I want to be there; I feel like I need to be, ought to be, that I should bear witness to the last stage in the process. I’ve been with him every step along the way, and I’ll be with him for this one. Even though I knew it was coming, just knowing it’s in the diary now has left me feeling emotional and weepy all day.

And it will all be finalised before Christmas. (Matt hated it when I started a sentence with an And. So I’m going to do it again.) And then maybe we can make the New Year a new start, and hope that 2020 isn’t as bad as 2019 has been. Although ironically the first 7.5 months of the year were 99% amazing, which has all been swept away by that which came after.

I know nothing has changed materially. It was just a text. It’s just a date in the diary. Today is just like yesterday. I even had a reasonably good day at work, and felt like I might be getting more on top of things. But this evening I just miss him so much more. As ever, when there’s any news in my life, or anything goes well, or doesn’t, I wanted to pick up the phone and tell him about it. And I couldn’t. I’ve just downloaded our entire WhatsApp history, (WhatsApp is starting to not support some platforms) so it doesn’t get lost, and made the mistake of reading some of it, and it’s so hard to believe we’ve gone from the amazing that that was to this. And on top of all that, my endo ouchy is kicking off big style. It’s all just not fair. Yes, I know life’s not fair, but for f*cks sake! Really? God knows where I’d be without my family, my friends and my meds. Hanging in there by an even thinner thread I imagine…

On the upside, this weekend I finally got my ring back. Some people might think it’s a bit macabre. But it’s not about them, is it? It’s the closest thing I can get to having him with me, and I’ll wear it when I want to, when I need to feel him that little bit closer, when it brings me some comfort.

Austin and I walked home from the pub tonight looking up to the night sky, to the stars, to the waxing moon, and I thought of him, and how we’d look at the moon together. How we’d lie snuggled up in bed together at night when the moon was full, with the curtains open, and watch it pass by while its light filled the room. Now I’ll have to watch it for the two of us. He was my star, my beautiful boy, and I hope he’s up there somewhere looking down and watching over me as I look up searching for him. Love you Matt xx

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