It’s been a really crap week, in what is already a crappy life. It had the odd highlight – as I went out Friday night, with Kevin & Emilia to see Mayhem at the Riverside. Which was good. But on Thursday the clutch cable on the car broke, and it took hours to get recovered and sorted – the RAC were atrocious but luckily Austin was around, so he brought his car up and we sheltered in there. And on Friday my Dad was diagnosed with (early stage, totally contained, totally treatable) prostate cancer. Which even though the prognosis is good, did just feel like one thing on top of another. And whenever anything goes wrong I miss Matt, and his love and support, even more. I just want to tell him all about it, and to get one of his amazing hugs. And there he isn’t again. And it hurts.
And the rest of this weekend? It’s just been time passing. I’ve been incredibly emotional on and off the entire time. Maybe because the house just feels so cold and empty. Winter sucks, it’s cold, it’s dark, and we’ve had no plans. Nowhere to be, nothing to do, just nothing. Sure, I could be doing a million chores, and tidying, and so on, but that’s hardly entertaining, and besides which, who cares about that kind of stuff? I sure as hell don’t at the moment. Today I stayed in bed for as long as I possibly could. I’d rather be asleep and dreaming than dealing with reality. And then when that didn’t work anymore, all I did was cry the entire time until I got out of the house to go and see Austin at work and sort our Christmas dinner booking. It’s been pretty bleak.
Having said that, yesterday Austin helped me finish boxing up all Tate’s stuff, and we took it to Pauline’s house so that he can pick it all up when he comes down for Christmas. He used to stay with us every other weekend, so he’d accumulated quite a lot of toys and games and things. Another thing that won’t be happening anymore. So it’s not like we didn’t do anything, I guess, but anything that involves going through things related to Matt just upsets me and I wasn’t in a good place anyway. Matt’s coroner’s inquest is on Wednesday and even though it’s just a formality, it kind of feels important, and it’s important to me to be there, and I think knowing that it’s coming has just kind of upped the background level of grief again.
And Christmas. There’s that. That’s not helping any either. The world is full of people discussing their plans, what they’re going to be doing, who they’re going to be seeing, how lovely it’s going to be. And it isn’t. Not here. I’m in what is delightfully called my year of firsts. This will be my first Christmas without him. I’d rather not do the whole thing at all, but I have to, because other people aren’t me, and they’re not feeling like me, and they still deserve to have Christmas.
But then Tash came home from uni, and I’ve been really looking forward to seeing here and having her around for a bit. Austin came home from work, and then we all went to see my folks, so as to get Dad to an early hospital appointment tomorrow. So there was a meal out, and family and support and something to do, and it felt a little bit better, even though I think I have my drinking head on, to cope, which is not necessarily a good thing.
Right now I just want to take Matt’s hand, as everyone else goes to bed, and for the two of us to sneak down to the beach in the dark, as we always did, to be together, to get some space, to listen to the waves, to wind down, hug, and be us. And I can’t. I never can again.
Yes, I’ve made it through another day. Which is all I can do. But I hate it. And I miss him even more than usual. SO much. Love you wherever you are my beautiful boy. You have no idea how much you are loved and missed.