Cold comfort

I worked a longer day than usual day, tired and full of cold. Then I came home to my empty house, and chores to do, and a bearded dragon to dispose of which, as I did so, without going into details, triggered a massive flashback. And so I sat curled into myself on the sofa and cried and cried and cried, and as I turned my head to the left to lean into the sofa it felt oddly, just little bit, like I was leaning on you. Like that bit of sofa was your shoulder, and if I kept my eyes closed I could feel, like a phantom limb, your arm there behind me ready to wrap around me, to pull me in closer, hug me, and hold me while I cried on your shoulder, as I have done so many times before. You were so good at that. You always looked after me and supported me. Your hugs were amazing. You said mine were too. Because we fitted. And we did. There was no better place to be in the world that in one of our hugs. And it was so tempting just to stay there. Not to move, not to open my eyes. To stay in that so near yet so far place and to pretend…

…and I did. For a while. But I could only kid myself, only dream, for so long. Sadly I’m too pragmatic and too practical and realistic, and there were things to be done, I knew better, and the sofa was still just the sofa, so at some point I gave myself a mental kicking, and got up, and did them. Because they weren’t going to do themselves, and no-one else is here to share the load any more, not really.

I miss your hugs SO much. And I’m in so much pain right now, despite all the painkillers, one of your hugs would make all the difference. Sure, I could go and get a hug somewhere else. But it wouldn’t be a Matt hug 🙁

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