I don’t know how I feel at the moment. The world is upside down. And everything is really complicated, both inside my head, and outside of it.
Matt never lived in this strange new world. So he’s not missing in it. And in some respects that helps. There is so much to be worrying about that is more in the here and now, that I get to put the grief slightly on to the back burner. Slightly.
But then this strange new world is also really scary, and when what I really want is a Matt hug, to curl up with him, and for us to hunker down under house arrest together, then I miss him more than ever. And I’m scared by what’s happening, and what might happen and what it means for all of us, and I don’t have his shoulder to lean on or cry on. And then I cry a lot, because the two of us could take on the world, and the one of me can’t.
Closing all the pubs and restaurants and social places really upset me. Which I know is stupid and irrational. And I totally understand why it had to be done, and I’m surprised it wasn’t done sooner. It’s not about the alcohol though. It’s about having somewhere warm and reassuring and safe to go; a lifeline when Austin was away. It was hard enough getting people to come and hang out with me before. Now that we’re all self-distancing, now that there’s nowhere to meet; it’s just me, and a now out of work Austin, rattling around in the house together. That’s just not great for anyone’s mental health – probably his included!
Like I said on my last entry, I’d just started to feel a little bit better from time to time, and now I definitely like I’ve been knocked back a few steps. But I’m just going to have to keep on keeping on, as ever. As ever, I have no choice. On the upside I’ve been on the spin bike three times now. And in the meantime we’ll watch a lot of films, and try and keep busy, and I’ll keep working from home, and…well, we’ll see won’t we? No-one knows where this is going to go…
Tomorrow is Mothers’ Day, and neither of my kids have really gotten their act together and done anything about it, though I’m fairly sure Austin is currently desperately trying to put something last minute together in his room. I know it’s not a big thing, but it’s another one of those important dates that I will be doing on my own, and I know it’s stupid, but I feel a little let down, and I’m kinda disappointed in them. It’s the little things that mean so much these days, and I really need supporting through them. I’m pretty sure that my birthday is going to go much the same way. I used to love my birthday. This year it’s now going to suck even more than it was already going to do without Matt. Yes, I’m needy. Sorry, not sorry. I have a couple of ideas of my own as to what I might do to salvage things a bit though. Once again, it’s time to make the best out of a very bad situation the best I can.
Today we’ve coped. Day 1 of however long it’s going to be… I slept in, a lot, surprise surprise. Then after some chores Austin and I went for a walk around the res, complete with lager to drink when we got back to the Square. Walks end up with pints in pubs. No pubs = improvisation. And it was good to be outside, and get some fresh air. I had to hold Austin’s hand though, just for a little while, because I was so missing holding Matt’s hand on a walk we would usually have gone on together. I just wanted that feeling… Just because the world has gone to hell in a hand basket doesn’t mean I don’t miss him. Like I said, it’s complicated. I don’t like living upside down, even if I could believe there are angels looking over me.
PS: Someone sent me a lovely book to put my thoughts in today. I think I know who it was, but the signature wasn’t really clear… Whoever you were, thank you very much, it’s a lovely thought and a beautiful book. I’ll try and do it justice.