Let’s go outside

“Memory, prophecy and fantasy –
the past, the future and
the dreaming moment between –
are all one country, living one immortal day.
To know that is Wisdom.
To use it is the Art.”

Clive Barker

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, those were the words I wanted on my tombstone, when my time came. And I also wanted to be buried. Not any more. All change. Now, in so far as I care, I want to be cremated, and for my ashes to be scattered in exactly the same places Matt’s are going to end up. So no tombstone for me.

Which is not to say I’m planning on ending up there anytime soon, before any of you start panicking. It’s just that it feels like we are all stuck in some dreaming moment between where we were and god knows where we’re going.

It’s not been a great day. I’ve been on an emotional knife edge on and off all day, and perfectly capable of going either way, unpredictably, at any time. I got some work done. I saw my accountant, from a respectable distance. So that was good. The sun shone, and it was practically warm, so we went in the back garden, and let Max meet the outside world for the first time, which was kinda cool, and a tad chaotic. But then he is a chaos critter, so that was only to be expected. It was at least amusing to watch :).

And then I unzipped the protective cover from over my lovely swing seat, that Matt and I got me for free, amazingly, from a local FB page, and sat there gently swinging, looking at all his stuff cluttering up the garden, looking at the sun shining on everything growing and turning green, and cried because he wasn’t there to sit next to me. It’s like the bed. I still sleep on my side. And the seat; I still sat on my side. And I still felt his absence. Wherever Matt was, he WAS. He was just fully present, he staked his claim and took up his space in the world. Which makes his absence even more tangible somehow. Which is a contradiction, but it’s how it is. I just miss him.

Right now as far as nature is concerned, life is starting anew. Spring time is springing forth. For the rest of us, we’re now pretty much under house arrest. It’s bad enough that normally, with the weather getting better, and various dates coming up, Matt and I would be making plans for weekends away, visiting beaches, getting outside and getting away…and we’re not. That hurts. I miss our weekends away so much. It’s even worse not being able to any of those things even on my own. Not just not able to, not even allowed to. And I get it. I do. It’s necessary. Perspective, etc. But it means I literally have nothing to look forward to at the moment, and that’s hard…

And really?! Even the tiny little plans I had in place to try and mitigate things over the next few days are probably out of the question now, which just sucks. I can’t help wonder what life is going to throw at me next because, as far as I can tell, for the last 7+ months, whatever can go wrong will go wrong. And yes, I know that sounds awfully fatalistic. It doesn’t mean I’m wrong though, does it? It’s going to be a tough and emotional few weeks. The rollercoaster rolls on…

PS: In the meantime, a quick hi and thank you to those of you who have gotten in touch lately to check I’m ok, and to let me know that even with all this Covid-19 quarantine I’m not alone. It means a lot. 

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