Bad day. Bad, bad, bad day. From the moment I woke up it’s felt bad, which mostly resulted in my going back to sleep as many times as I could before I really couldn’t anymore, and had to get up and face it.
I’m due, so I’m probably hormonal. Which never helps. Which also means I’m in pain, thus reducing my ability to cope with life yet more. And then I have another big ‘first’ coming up, and it doesn’t matter what you do to avoid it, you know it’s there, you know it’s coming, you know it’s going to be bad, you even know it’s probably not going to be as bad as you worry it is, but it’s definitely not going to be great, and I’m going to be doing it all on my own. So there it sits, the approaching iceberg…
I’d like to thank all the people who saw my facebook post today about me struggling and that I’d appreciate a message, and who actually did get in touch and chat with me today; it made more difference than you know. Because I need to be pulled out from the maelstrom of my thoughts. When I’m on my own, I have nowhere to go with them but down, and down, and down…
I’d also like to thank the weather for not being as sh*t as it was supposed to be, so I was able to spend some time outside on the swing seat, aka my safe place, which also helped a bit.
I’m just massively down, missing him like crazy, and like <this> far from tears all the time. I’m hideously lonely, and I’m stuck in a world where that’s not going to change any time soon. Austin, bless him, was here, but he’s very self contained, and was occupied building a Meccano model of HMS Belfast so I barely saw him all day. Not great.
Oh, and there’s another thing. Isn’t there always?
I’ve been ignoring it for months…but I’ve been having patches of very sore and/or stiff joints. My knees, my ankles, but worst still my wrists and worse than that, my hands. I can’t wear half my jewellery anymore because my knuckles are swollen and sore, and the fingers aren’t much better. My hands don’t bend and flex easily, and they hurt. It’s worst in the morning when I wake up, when they haven’t moved all night. Eventually they loosen up for a bit during the day, and then they get worse in the evening. I’d been putting it down to gardening, weight gain from the anti-depressants, whatever, but when Austin realised this was a thing and it’s a thing that’s been going on for months, he made me call the doctors. Now I have to have blood tests to test for inflammatory markers and rheumatoid arthritis antibodies, or at least I think that’s what she said. And I bet that’s what it turns out to be. Because whatever can go wrong does go wrong now – it’s becoming almost boringly predictable. Wouldn’t that be just another wonderful thing to add to my litany of ailments?
Thanks to the above, I can’t wear Matt’s bracelet that I bought him now – I had to take it off, which wasn’t easy, and I’m just hoping Gary can find the spare parts to make it a bit bigger so that I can wear it again. I miss wearing it, in so many ways. I now struggle to wear rings of any sort; worst of all, my engagement ring and its little accompaniment, and that hurts in so many more ways than one. So far I’ve managed to get them on and off as need be – but it hasn’t been easy. And at a very basic level, my hands hurt. Sitting here typing, they hurt. Like endometriosis wasn’t enough, I appear to have a new thing, whatever it turns out to be. Yeah, go me. F*cking marvellous. And I just can’t believe Matt isn’t here to help and support me through, that he has gone, and that I’m left to deal with all this sh*t on my own.
And just suppose one day I decide that maybe the time is right, and maybe it would be nice to meet someone new…who the f*ck is going to want to take on a middle aged woman with serious health issues and hefty amounts of baggage? Which is part of why lonely feels so bad; because I’m worried it’s going to be a forever lonely. What if this is it?