As I mentioned on my last post, things can always get worse. You just don’t realise how much worse. After my first birthday without Matt I was already struggling. And then on Tuesday, my beautiful ray of sunshine niece Loren passed away in a tragic accident. She was only 11. It’s hideous and heartbreaking, and there just aren’t the right words, even though I’m going to try and find some.
As Austin puts it, the saddest thing about this photo is that I’m the only one still alive. And I did try and find a different photo of her, for that reason. But she totally loved that hat, and that afternoon’s walk to the Windmill was just Matt, me and her, and we had fun, and it was a really nice time. It just had to be this one. It totally says Lolly to me, and it’s a very happy memory, and when everything else has come and gone, those are what we have left to hold on to.
Life is not fair. It does not make any sense. My family is small and close and we’ve already gone through so much, to add this is just…incomprehensible. It’s too much to get your head around, and I’m not going to lie, it has knocked me right back, but that’s irrelevant. This is SO not about me. It’s about my brother and his wife, and their two other children. It is so hard not to be able to go there and see them, even if just for a couple of hours. All any of us can do is be at the end of a text, of a phone, which really doesn’t feel like enough. But then I also know that nothing anyone says or does can make this any better. I’m not going to pretend I know what they’re all going through, but sadly I can probably imagine a lot better than a lot of people…and my heart just aches for them so much because I’ve been down the road ahead of them. I wish I could do more, but I don’t want to be that know it all person about it all, just because of my experience. Everyone’s journey through grief and loss is a different and individual one. And every single one sucks.
Life is just shit. We’re all devastated, and we’re going to miss her forever 😭💔