Mind’s eye

So apparently it’s Monday. Not that you can tell these days. But in honour of it being nominally the start of the week, I got up at some point, and did some work. I FaceTimed Tash for a bit. And the afternoon passed by. It wasn’t great, but it was you know, okish.

Then the boy and I decided to go for a short circular walk, to get out of the house and to end up at the shop – we’d run out of beer amongst other things. And as we walked out from the reservoir, down the main tree lined drive, towards the main road, a cyclist coming towards us bunny hopped over the speed bump…

And suddenly, dragged forth from somewhere in my memory, there was Matt, clear as day, ahead of me on his bike, bunny hopping over a pothole. And as the memory reel turned, I expect I called him a show off as usual, and he turned around and grinned at me, in the way that he did. And it’s been playing on loop in my mind’s eye ever since. It’s so vivid. And I know I’m torturing myself by watching it, but it’s so nice to see him, so vibrant and alive and so…him. But really all it does is point out, all over again, yet somehow freshly and anew, that I’m never going to see him again. I’m never going to see that grin again. I’m never going to ride a bike with him ever again. In fact I’m increasingly convinced that, even though I’m riding the spin bike, I’m never going to ride my bike again, because I just can’t see how I can without him. How is my beautiful boy not here anymore??? How am I supposed to carry on without him?

Everything is back to feeling so raw, so painful, and so pointless. There’s no respite to be found in being at work, or hanging out in company, having a few beers and pretending it’s ok. It’s just relentlessly the same, day in, day out. The sun shines, or it doesn’t, but I still feel the same inside. I can’t get away from myself, and I can’t, and shouldn’t, lean on Austin all the time. But I haven’t got anywhere else to lean. Right now we’re all stuck within our own four walls, and inside our own heads. And believe me, that’s not a good place for me to spend too much time.

I just want him back. I feel like I’m never going to be whole or happy again, because there is always going to be a part of me missing, and a part of me will always be missing him. I have to be here, I will continue being here, because I have no choice. But currently I feel like I’m just marking time until my turn comes. I need this lockdown to end. I need the world to start turning again. How can I move on while nothing is moving?

You may have gone on ahead, but one day I’ll follow, I’ve got your back, and I’m on your wheel…

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