Slipping away

It’s August. And for all that I’ve been holding it together a little better of late, however much I try not to know, not to notice, to be busy; my brain knows. It knows that very soon, too soon, unbelievably soon, it’s going to be a year since you left us. And as it approaches, each day gets harder again, the tears are back, the endless yearning is still there, as my heart reaches out, and breaks over and over again.

It’s all slipping away. All the things you taught me about me, all the things you showed me, how amazing we were together, the confidence you gave me, the faith we had in each other, the support, that feeling of being safe and home when I was in your arms, that we could get through anything together, we could weather our storms, and come out stronger the other side. I love you just as much as I did, if not more, as if loving you more can somehow keep you closer. I hold on to my memories so tight, and you are only ever one thought away, but all I have is those oh so precious memories.

I am forgetting how it actually felt to be loved by you. I can’t feel you loving me anymore. I could, for a long time, but now…it is fading away. Sometime I think I feel you pop by, but… And I am so scared of losing it all, having it all fade into the past. It already feels a lot like some amazing dream, that someone cruelly woke me up from. After all, why would someone like you love someone like me? Every day is another day when a little more is lost, and you get a little further away from me. And I don’t want to move on. I want to go back and just stay there with you forever, and I can’t.

I am returning to the person I was before you made me blossom, before I knew I was worth loving. All my insecurities, and self doubts, and worries, are back, and having had you in my life, I feel even more alone now than I did before you came along. I feel so broken, and ugly, and unlovable, and lonely, and presumably will do forever, because why would lightening strike twice? Life carries on, as it does, as it has to, but it’s no longer a many splendoured thing; it’s just a caricature of what it once was.

I know I should honour you by clinging on to those lessons, by being a better person because you loved me, but I can’t be the person I was when I was with you without you. The one just doesn’t exist without the other. F*ck I miss you. Why d’you leave me?

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