Come as you are

So here we are. It’s this weekend.
It was a Friday when my world collapsed around me. This year the “anniversary” date falls on on a Sunday. And luckily, thanks to my antidepressants and other meds, there was no chance of me being awake early enough this morning to relive that Friday today. Silver linings I guess. Not that it really helped, I just got the flashbacks a few hours later. It’s all etched in my mind, in technicolour, every single detail. Which is ironic since my memory is usually rubbish… But I remember all of it. Everything. My brain frequently plays it over, and over, and over again…

So I’ve taken a few days off work. I’ve gotten a few things done, and I’ve made some plans, things to do with kids, and with some friends/important people over the weekend.

And here we are.
I should have been in bed hours ago.
But…

Because we are when we are, my brain has brought all my memories and thoughts to the front. Normally I can keep busy, hide in a book, whatever, to a degree. Now there’s no way of hiding from anything. It’s like having it all forcibly brought back into focus, and then being made to look at it all, live through it all, all over again. Not just the day, our whole time together. All those years, our trips, our everything. Memories popping into the present from nowhere. Memories that hadn’t popped up before. And man, it is so hard. I still can’t believe it. I thought a year would have made things better. It hasn’t. And it’s made a fair few things worse.

Every night this week, every time I’ve gone to sleep, my dreams have been mental. And fantastical and pure escapism, and so not what my life actually is. In short, somewhere I would far rather be.
And every time I wake up, reality settles in, sometimes instantly, sometimes it takes a while.
And then I remember.
Just like back then in the early days.
I remember.
And then I cry a lot.

I doubt tomorrow will be any different.
But we have plans.
My coping strategies for the weekend are locked and loaded.
I have beer, and wine, and fizz, and places to be, and people to be with, and if necessary I can spend the whole weekend just slightly comfortably numb. And I know they’re not healthy coping strategies, but tbh, I don’t give a monkey’s. I may even turn my phone off for a few days, and just focus on being mindful and looking after me. I will do what ever I have to do to get through this and out the other side.

But I still don’t want to go to sleep.
To be fair I don’t really want to wake up either.
But I’ll do both.

It’s going to be a sh*tty weekend.
I knew that.
So here we go…

Man, I miss my beautiful boy so much. And love him even more. Life’s just not fair.

3 thoughts on “Come as you are”

  1. I’m hoping that you won’t see this for a few days, because you’ve turned your phone off and let yourself be cared for by those around you. You’ve been in my thoughts the last few days and I’m sorry that I didn’t manage to write anything before Sunday, because I didn’t know what to write. I still don’t. Just know that I’m thinking of you and sending you lots of love x

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *