When tomorrow comes

When tomorrow comes, Austin is moving out. Not for uni, not for a holiday. For good. He has found a new job. He has a place to crash for a little while. so he has a little time in which to find a flat of his own. And so my boy is finally flying the nest. Which is great. Fly, be free my little one. With all my best wishes and love and support as the air beneath your wings. We went out for dinner and marked it best we could. He is an amazing person, as anyone who knows him will tell you, and those who are on his road ahead, who have yet to meet him, have no idea how lucky they are going to be to have him in their lives. I’m trying to be brave. It is, after all, how it should be. But man…letting go hurts. Especially when things are as they are…

And then we will be just two. All two briefly. In a few weeks youngest will go back to uni. And then it’ll be just me here, permanently home alone. Which was always coming. As was the end of my maintenance support when she graduates. But all of these things were going to be ok, because we knew that, and Matt was going to be here and we were going to get through it together. We were going to work it out. We had it covered. And now?

It’s going to be just me. And I know I’m a grown woman, and I’m sure when it comes to it I’ll cope, because let’s face it, I have to. But man, I am so scared of being on my own all the time. This is so not how it was supposed to be. I didn’t know how bad lonely could feel…

In the meantime, I’ve just been dealt another doozy of a hand by life, which I can’t really share in detail here because, even though everyone thinks I’m mad, I refuse to lower myself to somewhere that is not right for me and for Matt and I. Yes, venting might make me feel better, but it would probably make things overall worse not better so, you know, why go there?

Even though my kids, and many others, have thought I’m mad, and too nice for my own good, up until today I have known that I can hold my head up high and that I have done the right thing throughout. I have checked in with everyone. I have kept in touch with those that matter. I’ve not let a special date pass without checking in on those others that it affected. I’ve done it for over a year. I am actually quite proud of myself for that, given some of the provocation that has come my way. I have done my very best to do the right thing in every situation, even if it’s been hard. And man, it has often been very hard. I have done the best for me and him, for him, in his memory and in his honour. I thought I was doing good. Aw bless, you stupid girl. *face palm*. I can practically hear him laughing at me…and then hugging me because he’d appreciate my trying.

But here we are, sad but true. It looks like I was wasting my time. And now, I think maybe, enough already. Apparently forgiving those who trespass against you doesn’t stop them from continuing to do so. I may yet have to gird my loins and find some strength from somewhere, and yes, I don’t know I’m going to do it, but I’m going to try and stop being a walkover. I hope I’m going to fight my corner if I have to. After all this time, after all I’ve done, if I haven’t earnt a little respect in return then…I dub thee unforgiven. And it’s what he would want. If he were here right now, he would be absolutely furious. Livid. Beyond that even. I think it’s time I was a little more him and a little less me. And he always believed in me.

There are two types of people in life. Radiators and drains. I have done my very best to be a radiator. I’m pretty sure I’m not a drain. But whatever I am, I’m sure as h*ll not going to be a doormat any more. No more Ms Nice Lady. So don’t tread on me. It’s going to be hard, it’s going to go against the grain,  but at this point, I really, and literally, have nothing left to lose. And maybe I’ll regain a little self respect. I honestly thought I was doing the right thing. It turns out I was wrong. However I think I can still hold my head high for doing my well intentioned best, even if it has turned out to be misguided. But now? That doozy hand has forced my hand. Gloves off… If anyone out there has some to spare, please send me some strength, and maybe some healing, and just, please, hold my hand as I try and get through this too? I’m not sure my breaking point is that far off… Life just seems to be intent on piling it on, one thing after the other. I don’t know what I did in a previous life to deserve all this, but I really hope I enjoyed it… 🙁

PS: It turns out that, looking at the links I’ve put in here, Metallica’s music pretty much covers it today. Just as well. If this all goes to pot, as seems more than likely, I’d just like to mention that I’d like Enter Sandman as my mid-service track, in case I forget to add that to the “important stuff” file. I’ve already informed the mob, but they may not remember….

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