Scared

I am so scared.
About so many things.
I am scared about Tash moving out, when Austin has gone already.
I am scared about being on my own full time. Really genuinely scared as to how, or if, I’ll cope. I am really not sure that long term, I am going to be able to cope, to make it. That might just sound like words to you, another trite blog phrase. But it isn’t. I am really, really scared.

I am also scared about a few weekends time, when Matt’s family have announced, by formal letter, that they are coming here to collect all his belongings.
I feel bullied.
I feel ganged up on.
But, since Matt had failed to get divorced, or to leave a will, I have very few (make that pretty much none) legal rights.
Apparently it’s not about personalities, it’s about closure.
Ha!
(*bites tongue* and doesn’t say all of the things that I could say in response to that)

But hey, apparently it’s all my fault, right? So that makes turning up and taking it all away, whether I like it or not, ok.
Whatever.
It is what it is.

I get that they want his stuff. I totally get that. And it’s right that they should have some of his things. We all want mementos of our loved ones. I was actually planning on arranging that, before I got steam rollered.
But, just so as you know, having his stuff won’t give you closure. It will just give you stuff. And that stuff will make you hurt every time you look at it, every time you use it. I should know. It’s still important to have it though, and I have never objected to that. It’s just that there’s no such thing as closure. This is not something you get over. You just carry on carrying it with you. And hopefully with time it weighs a little less.

This could have been done in a nice way.
But it wasn’t, so here we are.
I’m not even close to being surprised though. And neither would he be. He’d be fuming. But he’s not here, so that’s irrelevant. At least my conscience is clear. And I can hold on to that.

It still is what it is.

I will get everything out of wherever it is. I will box it up. I will put it all out on the lawn. And it will all get taken away. I will do what has to be done, even if I cry through it all. And it’s all just stuff, let’s be honest. No-one can take away the important stuff, the memories, the feelings, and what we meant to each other.

But I am very grateful because it would appear that slowly a small group of people are gathering to be around me that weekend, to help me get his stuff outside, to be there with me through it, to buffer and protect me, and maybe even to have a few drinks together after it’s all done. And I am SO grateful to every single person who has been there for me through all this. Especially those who will be with me for that weekend. You all mean so much to me.

Please keep being there. My life is about to become a very, very lonely place.

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