You’re my nutter

We’d joke around, as couples do. One of us would say or do something daft, and then the other one would say, omg you’re a nutter, but hey, that’s ok, because you’re my nutter, or the idiot in question would say it’s ok because I’m your nutter, or whatever. We’d talk about the what ifs of life, of health, of growing older, and we’d both say that, in turn, hey, it doesn’t matter, we’ll face it all together, I’m not going anywhere.

And then he did.

He’s still my nutter, even though he’s not here anymore. And I am his. I just wish I wasn’t here without him, and that he hadn’t gone anywhere.

I’ve just had a really lovely day in Bristol with Tash. I have had my very first dermal piercing, sparkly of course, in honour of the ray of sunshine that my niece Loren was. Tash has two new lobe/cart piercings too. Because Ohana means family, and family means no-one gets pierced on their own, be it Matt and I, me and one of the kids, whatever. He was so there with us. We, including Ruby who pierced us two many times, and Jon who has inked several of us, talked about him. We remembered him. He was not, as is normally the case, the elephant in the room. And it was just bl**dy lovely to have him talked about and acknowledged and communally missed for a change.

I missed him there. I missed him holding my hand for comfort as the needle went in, even if it didn’t hurt as much this time as I thought it would.  I missed him when we had drinks in Zero Degrees. I missed him as we wandered around the shops. I missed him as we ate Japanese at Yakinori. All things we have previously done together. And I wish I was allowed to miss him out loud more. That people would talk about him. I guess it’s the way these things go. But it’s so nice when he is talked about. He was such a presence, his absence should be acknowledged more. He is missed by so many people.

So it’s been a really nice day, with a seriously bitter sweet edge. I shed a fair few tears throughout, mostly unnoticed, and some on Tash’s shoulder, but that was only to be expected. I am well aware that my remaining time with Tash, who is due back at uni soon, is limited, and it was lovely to have today with her. Sure, I should probably have been doing more work, or chores, or whatever. But time is running out and I think, no I know, it was way more important to be making the most of our time together, and making memories for the future, especially when none of us know how long that future will be.

He was missed. He always will be. There will always be places he should be that he is not. And his crazy will always match my crazy.

But as my days go, today was a fairly good one. And that’s a good thing. Such days are few and far between, but hey, one day at a time. I’ll take it.

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