Empty house

I want to write more.
But I can’t.
I’m feeling very oddly numb. And not in a comfortable way.
It’s been a very long day.
It’s been a very sh*tty day.
It’s been a day that has been full of far too much.
And I think my brain has just shut down to turn off the pain.
It’s all too much to process at once, especially now that my friends have gone home, and Austin has gone home, and Tash has gone to sleep.

I lost a favourite earring amidst the chaos. A nothing, really, but annoying. But as it happens, just a mild irritation really.

Far more, so much more importantly, the snowboard that Matt had always hung on my side of the bed, that he’d given me, that he was going to teach me on, got taken up there by accident. Too many people trying to be helpful at once without quite enough communication. Such things happen. Which would normally just be one of those things. A ‘Ho Hum, Ah well’ thing. But not this time…

I was going to leave it be.
But I knew I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t at least make an attempt to ask for it back.
There’s not a cat in hell’s chance they’ll give it back to me.
I know they don’t care about what I feel or what I want.
But at least I’ve asked.
At this point, what do I have to lose by asking?
So it’s up to them now, isn’t it?
Do the right thing, or don’t.
Sadly, if I was a betting woman, which I’m not, I’d bet against me…

And so now here I sit.
Matt has been uninstalled.
I feel sort of additionally bereft.
Even more lost.
It’s now a very empty house.
It’s indescribable.

In case you were wondering, this is what a life looks like, packaged up and about to leave…

Yet another goodbye.
More salt in the wound.

But it’s done.
And it’s now tomorrow.

Wouldn’t it be nice if it turned out to be a better day?
Sod betting I think.
All bets are off.
No point anyone wasting their money at this point, right?

His stuff is gone.
And, being just stuff, it will inevitably end up gone and forgotten way before he is.
He lives on in those of us he left behind.
And I will carry him with, and within me, until my turn comes.

In the meantime, I’ve got a little birdhouse in my soul for you. No matter how long it’s been, you are still SO beautiful to me. I love you, I loved you all along, and I miss you. I know you’re far away, but one day I hope I’ll somehow find my way back to you, and we will walk hand in hand together through fields of gold, alongside an eternal beach, while the waves crash on the shore beside us. If there’s a heaven, that would be mine. However I can’t leave yet, so in the meantime leave a light on for me, and have a little patience? What will be will be. I can hope, right? These days hope is all I really have.

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