Comfortably numb

So Saturday was predictably horrendous.  Four years since we got engaged…

To be fair it did have its good points. I saw people, ate pizza, drank wine, put on the mask, and played the game. Other than that…I was a wreck. An unstoppable, leaking, wailing, hopeless wreck.

Since then I seem to have achieved some sort of numb, which is distinctly more restful, though I doubt it’s healthy. I expect it’s a temporary reprieve. There are more big dates coming up, and more stuff that I’m going to have to cope with and deal with on my own, where once he would have been.

Being alive is hard work. But it’s work that has to be done. Life doesn’t currently come with options…

One of those days

When I got married I settled.
I knew that when I did it.
I was so scared that no-one would ever love me, that I settled for someone who was close enough.
Which I always knew.
And I can’t regret it, because I have two of the most awesome kids ever.
They are my achievement.
When they weigh the scales, and see how I did with them, I’ll be ok.

But then bad things happened.
And then I was single, with occasional distractions, for a long time.
And then Matt came along.
And he pursued me and swept me off my feet.
With the kind of relationship I’d only ever dreamed of.
Complete with fireworks.
With fire, comes burns but…
No matter what, we loved each other.
And regardless of what his close family think, it wasn’t toxic.
Anyone who thinks that is merely transferring their own guilt on to me.
And they can f*ck off.

4 years ago today (well, yesterday cos I’m still up) we got engaged.
I have never been so happy.
He was over the moon.
It was a totally amazing, all we’d ever dreamt of day, that was totally us.
Beach, waves, surfing, fizz, us…
It was a perfect day,
The day we both wanted.
It was everything.

I couldn’t believe someone like him would want me.
I couldn’t believe someone like him would find me attractive.
But he did and I did, everything was mutual, and we were pretty much always on the same page.
When it was good, it was breathtaking.
When it was bad, we worked on making it better.
But that day?
I’m pretty sure I’ll never be as happy again.
And these days I am as far from that happy as you can be.

I have tried to pick myself off the floor.
I have tried to make myself feel better.
But you can’t force these thing, no matter what the memes say.

I am apparently suffering from anxiety and severe depression.
I’m on meds again.
And they work some of the time.

But they can’t fix the root problem.
They stop me being suicidal, mostly…

But they can’t fix me.
He’s the only one who could fix me.
My partner in crime.
My soul mate.
My other half.
My beautiful boy.

He’s not here.
And I will never stop wishing he is.
And I still don’t know how to live without him.

No-one meets their knight in shining armour twice. Let’s face it, what we had was a miracle. So I guess this is it…this is how it’s going to be forever.

I’d like to think it wasn’t. But I’m pretty sure it is. After all, the bar is set pretty high…