Fly on, little wing

I sat outside a pub for a quiet drink and to read earlier.
And sat outside the other pub was someone who looked a lot like Matt.
Which was a bit…unsettling.
Because of course it wasn’t him.
It couldn’t be.
Could it?
Much though I wish I haven’t, I have a fair few crystal clear memories that remind me that it couldn’t be.
And probably PTSD.
But…what if it was?
But if it was, that would mean he’d come back, but he hadn’t come back to me…
And that would be just hideous…

Round and round the mind goes, spiralling downwards…

Of course it wasn’t him.
I don’t know what I’d have done if it had been, and yet he hadn’t come to me…
Nonetheless I wish it had been.
I’d still rather he was here, even if he didn’t want me anymore.
Even though I know how much he loved me.

Ain’t nothing rational about grieving…

It ain’t easy

Today I had to give my Mum a bath, and wash her hair.
And I now have some very complicated complex emotions going on inside, related to that.
Not least of which is…he promised me he was going to be with me through what was clearly coming.
And he knew what that was, he’d been there before.
He promised.
He promised…

But he’s not here. is he?
Over and over again, all the time, I’m reminded he is not here.
Like I didn’t know that.
Like I don’t think about that 24/7.
Like I don’t spend all that time wishing he was still here, wishing he would come back…
Like there isn’t a constant void where he used to be that no-one else can fill, and neither would I let them.
He broke far more than just a promise.
And he’s still not here.
Neither is anyone else.

So here I am looking after my folks, pandering, being patient and cheery, playing nice, driving, catering, caring…
It’s really not easy, on so many levels, even if I am actually very good at doing it.
And I can do it. I can. It’s my job. I don’t resent it at all. I love them both very much, even if one of them isn’t really here anymore. After all that they’ve done for me? This is nothing.
But that doesn’t stop it being hard.
It doesn’t stop the feelings…

This is the third time I’ve done it.
First time around, Matt was here.
Second time around, Austin was here.
This time, it’s just me.
And sadly it looks like it won’t be the last time either.
Cancer is a bitch…

Which all makes it so much harder.
It’s not like I was coping very well with life anyway.
And life sadly seems to enjoy piling it on…

Who’s looking after me?

Loneliness really hurts.
Physically and mentally.
Holy crap, I am SO lonely.
And I was already hurting enough.

I wish I’d been enough… I did my best, but I lost him to demons I didn’t know about until it was too late. A lot of people have a lot to answer for, but that’s between them and their consciences. I know what I know and it will stay that way. I tried so hard, and I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. And hindsight is 20/20. I wish…

But that’s irrelevant now.
Their baggage is not mine.
And their opinion is beyond unimportant.

These days I’m fighting battles on many fronts.
Thanks to my meds I have put on weight and feel horrible. But no matter what, whatever the scales said, he always got it and made me feel desirable, and the feeling was mutual. He was SO fit!
I hope one day someone will do the same, but I doubt it.
I was always amazed that he found me attractive, and that he loved me.
And hey, thanks to my meds, I’m still here.

But I came SO close to not being…

I still love you, my beautiful boy, and I always will. Counting down…

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

One day…