Let’s have takeout. A treat. A break from the shit storm. Innocuous you’d think wouldn’t you?
Except I can’t have the Singapore spicy noodles – his fave. I can’t forget that every time I had a stinking cold or felt really bad, he’d get me one of their hot and sour soups. Plus one extra for the next day. I’m glad I can’t remember what his last fortune cookie said, opening mine is going to be bitter sweet. There is nowhere that Matt isn’t. There’s a massive Matt sized void wherever I go.
There’s plenty of other shit piling up, paperwork, chores, accounts, all sorts; my life is just collapsing. I can’t wail and express myself properly at home any more because youngest is unexpectedly home and her anxiety has no space for helping me anymore. I had to go and impose on others this evening rather than just walk around the town (which is what I did post divorce). Not a circle I really wanted my life going in.
The Drs are working with both of us, but I don’t know how to help her when I can barely help myself. And having to bottle me up to help her is not helping me.
i just don’t know how to do all of this without him, I want his support, his advice, a hug… all of which I know damn well I can’t have. But that doesn’t stop me desperately wishing for it.