I’d known today was going to be bad. Firsts always are. In the run up to them I get emotional and anxious and stressed…but then they’re generally not quite as sh*t as I think they’ll be… And therein lies the rub. ‘Generally’.
Because not so this one. This one went off the scale…
So. Today marked three years since Matt and I got engaged, on a beach in South Wales, just the two of us. As I’ve said before, I wasn’t too bothered about getting married again, but it was what he really wanted, and when Matt’s mind was set on something…that was that. He said he wanted to stand up and tell the world how much he loved me. His first wedding was a small pretty much non-event, and this time he wanted to do it all properly, to have the wedding he’d always wanted to have. With me. And who wouldn’t swoon and melt when someone wants that and feels that way about you, especially when you feel the same way about him too? It’s like hitting the mother lode, the jackpot, your dreams come true…
So although I’d agreed, and we’d decided it was something that would happen at some point, and we’d found a ring we both liked, I didn’t know when he’d actually do it…until that day three years ago when he got down on one knee and officially asked me if I’d marry him. I said yes, obvs. Even if I did insist he swap in the real ring for the haribo one he initially used – which I ate… 😉
Only we didn’t get to have the wedding we wanted, did we? Not only had he not managed to get around to getting divorced, although he had just become legally separated for long enough to do so more easily, but he left us, me, before that could happen. And so those plans, along with so many hopes and dreams, and our entire future, are just so much smoke in the wind, all blown away by the storm. Gone. So much is gone.
My birthday was bad enough. But it was my birthday, which was at least a little celebratory, and came with cake and presents and Austin, and thus company for being up on the hill. It was a my thing, celebrated without him. Not good, but, doable. Today was an US thing, marked without him, unlike the last two years when we celebrated it together, marked since there is nothing to celebrate now. Which was way, way worse. And I had to do it all on my own, literally, as Austin was at work, for a very long day. I gave up on today, and just let it be and go however it felt like going. There’s been lot of sitting and a hell of a lot of crying, and precious little else.
As is ever the way, the only place that I have to go to, to be with him, to be at his favourite place, where we were us and happy and above the world, is up the hill. So I trudged up there very slowly, in the sunshine and chilly wind, for a glass of fizz and more tears. I managed to knock the bottle over twice, which actually seemed a little like Matt taking his share, in an odd kind of way, as well as being totally indicative of the kind of klutz I am at the moment.
And then I trudged back down. And then I had to go to bed for a while because I was drained, my ankles were killing me, I was exhausted, and basically just too sad to be awake anymore. I needed to check out for a bit. So I did, and I’ve basically been on or in bed ever since. Austin arrived home eventually, we chatted some, which helped a bit and now he’s gone to bed early. (It’s a big day tomorrow for him on a possible better job front, so please send positive vibes and best wishes his way.)
The day we got engaged was an amazing one. We were going to the beach every weekend – this one marked number 6 out of the eventual 10 we managed. We were at the beach, we were together, and massively happy, and he proposed and it was just perfect. He even got to go surfing (badly!). We left and popped into see his mate Gra and his family, and Mollie (Matt’s dog, who had ended up with Gra as he couldn’t take him with him one house move or a few before). Mollie was on her last legs, and it meant so much to Matt to see her one last time, and also for the first time he shared his good news to be with one of his best most long term mates. We then came home via my folks, and shared the news, and they were SO genuinely pleased for us both, and we all drank fizz, and celebrated, and Dad took some beautiful photos, which I’m so grateful to have now. All my family and friends were thrilled for us.
Matt’s family – not so much so. I don’t think they ever expected us to be a permanent thing – more just some sort of lfing. Us being the real deal was inconvenient and didn’t fit in with how they’d thought things would be once he’d left his wife. I know the difference in responses to our engagement really upset him. He wanted them to be happy for him, for us, and to support him in his choices…but the cupboard was bare. His Mum sent us a card and some fizz, once the dust had settled a bit, but I don’t think they ever got how much we meant to each other. I think they thought I had Matt under my thumb and he just did whatever I wanted. As if…! (As anyone who really knew Matt will tell you, that’s not how Matt worked. He was his own man, he did what he wanted, made his own decisions and owned them. There was no telling him to do anything!). When his kids found out we were engaged, they were far more supportive, and excited, and happy for us. Which is probably why, amongst other reasons, I’m still in touch with them, and not the others, I guess. That and the fact that his kids don’t blame me for his death, and the rest of the family does.
Today turned out to hurt a whole heap worse than I’d even imagined it would, from dawn ’til dusk. I just miss him SO much, every day, every where, in every way and in every thing, and especially today. I wish we could have had the day we were going to have, on a beach somewhere, surrounded by those who truly loved and supported us, making what we already knew official, and sharing it with them, the sun, the sand, and the sea. I miss the life we were going to have together.
I had been starting to have the occasional better day, but now? In the world as it is now? The loneliness is crippling, the isolation is claustrophobic, and the depression and grief and pain can be overwhelming… I am stuck in a world where I can’t move forward even if I wanted to, even if I could.
At least it’s pretty much bedtime, and another first, another truly sh*tty day, is behind me.
PS: had my blood tests this morning – should find out more next Wednesday. Let’s see if my pessimism is justified shall we?