Now the night is over

This evening my inner jukebox and my Deezer flow and my feelings have been, maybe bizarrely, in sync. So prepare yourself for even more song lyric links than usual.

And I know it’s late, but I wasn’t ready for sleep.

But now the day is over, even for me, the night is drawing nigh.

I know it’s all just coincidence. But then as Gibbs says, with Rule 39 I believe, “there’s no such thing as coincidence“…so who knows?

And yes, it’s lazy of me. I should write more myself. And I’m sorry, but I have a really tough week ahead of me. and I just don’t have the emotional capacity right now. I’m too busy holding myself together. I have some friends gathering around me to get me over the final hurdle, but that isn’t going to make it any less painful. It will however, put one more thing behind me, and draw a line under things.

So, if other people can say  what I want to say better than me? Let’s let them do it. My walls are up, and they’re not coming down to write a blog right now.

So lets start with the only ear worm I’ve had today. I can’t remember it ever popping into my head before. He always made me feel on top of the world, and inspired me to try, and he’s still my shining star. So, maybe…?

And let’s follow that with the white flag that I will never be waving, as there will be no surrender. I’m in love with him and always will be, however life moves on.

After all, all I needed was the love he gave, and getting through every day without it is indescribably painful. I don’t think I’ll ever be whole again.

As my life continues, when I’m left home SO alone, especially with Tash going back to uni, nothing ever happens. It’s just me, here. I will be lonely tonight and lonely tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that.

All I can do is hope that maybe one day, as the song from his favourite film says, beauty will come out of ashes.

Can’t say I have much hope in that.
I reckon I’m just here until I’m pushing up my own daisies.

There, wasn’t that cheerful? I just have to get through this week. Get myself to Saturday night. And then I think I may go and get very, very drunk. Wisdom may come with age, emphasis on the may, but I’m not that old yet, even if I often feel like I’m ancient, past it, and worn out. So, wise or not, there will be sorrows to drown, and then hopefully locked safely away in Davey Jones’ locker, so that I can move on to whatever the future may hold. I’ve been knocked down, maybe I’ll get back up again. I have no great expectations. Just as well really.

How am I? Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

The stars may not align, but I’ll still try and shine for you. Always.

Three simple words.

Been dreaming of you lately, so waking up has been hard, because I’ve wanted to stay where you were, however weird it was.
Been out a couple of times today, seen people, chatted, played normal.
Been trying to ignore the fact the the kids are away next week, which is I guess my first trial run of being here, home alone, all alone.

There’s lots I could write or say.
But it basically just boils down to the one thing.

I miss you.

All the time.

I miss you, and I don’t know how I’m going to survive without you.

This was supposed to be our time…and now it’s just me.
And I don’t know if me is enough.

When tomorrow comes

When tomorrow comes, Austin is moving out. Not for uni, not for a holiday. For good. He has found a new job. He has a place to crash for a little while. so he has a little time in which to find a flat of his own. And so my boy is finally flying the nest. Which is great. Fly, be free my little one. With all my best wishes and love and support as the air beneath your wings. We went out for dinner and marked it best we could. He is an amazing person, as anyone who knows him will tell you, and those who are on his road ahead, who have yet to meet him, have no idea how lucky they are going to be to have him in their lives. I’m trying to be brave. It is, after all, how it should be. But man…letting go hurts. Especially when things are as they are…

And then we will be just two. All two briefly. In a few weeks youngest will go back to uni. And then it’ll be just me here, permanently home alone. Which was always coming. As was the end of my maintenance support when she graduates. But all of these things were going to be ok, because we knew that, and Matt was going to be here and we were going to get through it together. We were going to work it out. We had it covered. And now?

It’s going to be just me. And I know I’m a grown woman, and I’m sure when it comes to it I’ll cope, because let’s face it, I have to. But man, I am so scared of being on my own all the time. This is so not how it was supposed to be. I didn’t know how bad lonely could feel…

In the meantime, I’ve just been dealt another doozy of a hand by life, which I can’t really share in detail here because, even though everyone thinks I’m mad, I refuse to lower myself to somewhere that is not right for me and for Matt and I. Yes, venting might make me feel better, but it would probably make things overall worse not better so, you know, why go there?

Even though my kids, and many others, have thought I’m mad, and too nice for my own good, up until today I have known that I can hold my head up high and that I have done the right thing throughout. I have checked in with everyone. I have kept in touch with those that matter. I’ve not let a special date pass without checking in on those others that it affected. I’ve done it for over a year. I am actually quite proud of myself for that, given some of the provocation that has come my way. I have done my very best to do the right thing in every situation, even if it’s been hard. And man, it has often been very hard. I have done the best for me and him, for him, in his memory and in his honour. I thought I was doing good. Aw bless, you stupid girl. *face palm*. I can practically hear him laughing at me…and then hugging me because he’d appreciate my trying.

But here we are, sad but true. It looks like I was wasting my time. And now, I think maybe, enough already. Apparently forgiving those who trespass against you doesn’t stop them from continuing to do so. I may yet have to gird my loins and find some strength from somewhere, and yes, I don’t know I’m going to do it, but I’m going to try and stop being a walkover. I hope I’m going to fight my corner if I have to. After all this time, after all I’ve done, if I haven’t earnt a little respect in return then…I dub thee unforgiven. And it’s what he would want. If he were here right now, he would be absolutely furious. Livid. Beyond that even. I think it’s time I was a little more him and a little less me. And he always believed in me.

There are two types of people in life. Radiators and drains. I have done my very best to be a radiator. I’m pretty sure I’m not a drain. But whatever I am, I’m sure as h*ll not going to be a doormat any more. No more Ms Nice Lady. So don’t tread on me. It’s going to be hard, it’s going to go against the grain,  but at this point, I really, and literally, have nothing left to lose. And maybe I’ll regain a little self respect. I honestly thought I was doing the right thing. It turns out I was wrong. However I think I can still hold my head high for doing my well intentioned best, even if it has turned out to be misguided. But now? That doozy hand has forced my hand. Gloves off… If anyone out there has some to spare, please send me some strength, and maybe some healing, and just, please, hold my hand as I try and get through this too? I’m not sure my breaking point is that far off… Life just seems to be intent on piling it on, one thing after the other. I don’t know what I did in a previous life to deserve all this, but I really hope I enjoyed it… 🙁

PS: It turns out that, looking at the links I’ve put in here, Metallica’s music pretty much covers it today. Just as well. If this all goes to pot, as seems more than likely, I’d just like to mention that I’d like Enter Sandman as my mid-service track, in case I forget to add that to the “important stuff” file. I’ve already informed the mob, but they may not remember….

In the still of the night

This is one of the times I miss you most. When I really need to talk to someone. And that someone is always you. I have absent mindedly reached for the phone at least twice today. And now I’m somewhere else on my own, knowing that there’s no one else I want to talk to, be comforted by, and fall asleep with. So my mind is full of thoughts and feelings that have nowhere to go, and sleep is going to be a while away. I wonder if, when I give in and talk to the sky, you can hear me?

Here comes the rain again

It’s raining outside.
Heavy fat drops of what is probably the edge of a thunderstorm.
Which is appropriate and apt.
Because I feel like I’m in the middle of my own personal thunderstorm.

Plans are being made, kind of on the fly, depending on who’s been in contact.
There will be places I go over the next few days with friends, family, both, neither.
I won’t be around here a lot.
And I guess I’ll get through this, because that’s what you do.
When you’re going through hell, just keep on going, as someone said.

I hope none of the worst case scenarios that have run through my head come to pass.
I hope I come out the other side feeling like I’ve marked it appropriately.
And I hope getting through the worst year of my life helps me feel better afterwards, and helps me go forward.

Time will tell…

In the meantime I still miss him so much it physically hurts…and I’ve been crying on and off all day. It’s almost impossible, as the anniversary approaches, not be be thinking about him, and that day, all the time. I just want him back. Which is the only thing in the world that I can never have.

SSDD, right?

And here’s the actual thunder. Awesome. And perfectly timed.
Plus I love thunderstorms and since I am, inevitably, awake, maybe I’ll open the curtains and watch the lightning for a while…

I just don’t know what to do with myself

It’s nearly here.
We keep trying to make plans.
People want to be there for me, whatever I want to do.
Some of our friends need/want to mark it too, but don’t want to impose.
Which is all very well, but I don’t really have a clue what I want to do.
I know what I don’t want.
I know where not to be and when.
But what do I want to do?

I want to mark it.
But it’s not a celebration. Anniversaries usually are. This is most certainly not.
Well, unless you want to celebrate the fact that I have survived this year, which after some of the times I have been through, I honestly wasn’t sure I would.

I don’t know what I want to do.
I don’t know what feels right.
I know that I probably need to get of town for a bit.
I feel slightly run out of town, to be honest.
I know where I’m not wanted.

I know I need to do what feels right for me.
But I really wish I knew what that was.

Maybe it will become clear to me when I get to it?

I know it’s going to be a really sh*tty day.
I know I’m avoiding thinking about it or making decisions about it, because I don’t want to face up to it.
And I also know it doesn’t really matter what I do, because it’s not going to make any difference; it won’t bring him back, and it won’t make it all suddenly better.
Yes, the first year of firsts will be over and done with. But that isn’t going to make me miss him any less, or love him any less, or suddenly heal me.

Maybe I should just take myself off on my own?
Maybe I can’t actually do it on my own?

So many questions, so few answers, and even less decisions.

Lost in the loneliness

It’s been a busy, somewhat stressful, hot, sweaty and tiring day.
But it’s been more than worth it.

My personal domesday clock is counting down.
And if I stay still long enough, I can practically hear it ticking…

As predicted, I’m in the middle of the sh*t couple of weeks that were coming, but having seen this coming, I’m a little better armed to fight the battle now. At the very least I have ordered plenty of fizz… However that specific day is still ooming…(being a verb that combines looming & ominously – in case you didn’t know). And I still don’t have a plan…

But today, in various places and at various times, I have been able to spend time with people who really knew Matt and I, who knew him, who knew us, who knew and know how things really were and are. And although it doesn’t stop it hurting – f*ck, what could? – knowing that we’re all on the same page, all feeling it together, all there for each other, really, really, really helps. To hear and be heard, and to share without judgement? Just so amazing, and affirming, and I am so grateful. Anything else is just white noise. Not important, and not worthy of being in my life.

There’s nothing like something like this to show you who your friends really are or are not, as I’ve said before. And sadly I’ve lost some along the way, who couldn’t or wouldn’t stay the distance. But those with me now? We’ve all been through struggles, through this together; we’ve been forged in fires we’d rather not have faced, be they their’s or mine or both, and I think some of those new bonds will be with me for life. I hope so. If not, well, life is a strange and meandering path, some people are with you for the whole ride, others are just there for steps along the way…but even if that turns out to be the case sometimes, it wouldn’t detract from how important it was for me to see them all today.

Oddly, and hilariously, apparently I’m looking good these days. So I look good overweight with a suntan. Hah! Maybe. Maybe you’re just very polite. Or I maybe I just looked really REALLY bad last time you saw me. Distinctly possible! I can’t paint people, but I can paint a smile on myself to rival one of Leonardo Da Vinci’s, and thinking about it, if you’re paying attention, it’s probably just as enigmatic… But I can play the game. I’ve got skills… I went out, we went out, we laughed, we ate, drank, there may even have been the odd very brief intimate shared tear when no-one else was looking. And another day has been marked off on the wall of the solitary confinement cell that grief leaves you living in.

Love isn’t something you can turn off. It turns out I love him whether he’s here or not. Inconvenient, no? Sometimes I have the most vivid disassociated feeling that I’m about to wake up and none of this will ever happened. Wouldn’t that be just something?

And then I have to have serious words with myself. Because, like, as if, you idiot *face slap*. Whatever people might think, and whether they like it or not, I’m actually not stupid. If I was I’d be religious and just waiting for my turn to hope to have been good enough in this life to be allowed to walk through those hallowed pearly gates and run into his arms. Yeah, right…

So now I’m home again, putting off tomorrow, lost in the shadows, trying to learn to listen to music again, writing this, and all the time holding on to him deep inside, because I’m never letting him go.

Love you my beautiful eternally gorgeous fit as f*ck boy ❤️😢. And man, do I miss you. SO much. You were always so paranoid that I would leave you, and I promised you I never would; that I was never going anywhere. And I wasn’t, and didn’t, and I never would have done. I kept my part of the bargain. You didn’t. I’ll never get it. I guess some things are permanently incomprehensible. How do I keep doing this without you? 😭.

 

Always this

I’m not sleeping.
I’m not getting enough done.
I’m just counting down the days.
I’ve given in and accepted that I’m going to be even worse than useless for a while.
It’s just going to be a particularly rough couple of weeks, and there’s no avoiding it.
Trying to just makes it worse.
And that’s just the way it is, and so…
I just keep breathing, and keep getting through one day after another, even though I find myself in tears all the time, even though I don’t know what to do with myself.
I just have to keep doing it. Own it. One day at a time. And so those days will pass, as all the days between then and now have done.

In the meantime this. Always. I will always carry you. When you left, you took a part of me with you, and you left a part of you with me. And you will always be a part of me, however life goes on, however things change or move on. And although we cannot be together, I know that I will carry you with me wherever I go until we can.

One day…

I can feel it coming in the air tonight

I really didn’t have it together this morning. I woke up, and I just couldn’t see any point to waking up. To doing today. I stayed asleep as long as I could. And once I was awake and up and downstairs, I tried. I did. But I just couldn’t stop the tears overflowing every time I opened my mouth to talk to anyone. Or even when I wasn’t talking at all. I just couldn’t figure out how to cope with the day, yet alone more days to come. And then Tash, in more than usually perceptive and sensitive mode said hey, look, if that’s how you’re feeling (which I pretty obviously was), let’s just have a sofa and movie and ice-cream day together. Which initially sounded daft. But I’m up to date with my work, and what still needed to be done could be done from the sofa. And so, minus the ice-cream, that’s what we did. We sat on the sofa together. We watched The Guardian, which I love and she hadn’t seen before. We watched a lot of Inkmaster, series whatever. And in the meantime I did what work had to be done. It worked, in so far as anything can right now. Some days I just can’t do, and it’s ok to not be ok, to not do them. I need to remember that. And so I’ve booked some time off work over the next couple of weeks and beyond, to try and give me space to cope. I want to go to the beach…but I don’t think I can yet. Not without him…

Later we went up to The Lamb for a pre-shopping get out of the house drink which turned into drinks with a government aided 50% off grazing platter food since neither of us were that hungry, and with Austin unexpectedly working, cooking for two didn’t appeal. It’s just as well it was subsidised, as it wasn’t great. At full price I’d have been kicking off. But ho hum. In the meantime we played chess (yes, we’re weird like that), we chatted some important things through, we even chatted to other people. But through it all I just felt her by my side, supporting me. Which is not something that comes naturally to her, but she was making an effort, and it made all the difference. I can’t tell you how much I appreciated it. She even told me I looked nice, which is so not true at the moment, but it was a lovely sentiment. All I can see when I look at me is the extra weight, and if I look at my face in the mirror, all I can see is how I’m feeling inside shining through the mask…and that’s hardly attractive. It’s all in the eyes…

That done, we then came home via the shop, and watched more Inkmaster, and then the next parental care shift came home, and we watched Criminal Minds whilst she went upstairs to read, until finally it was just me downstairs, with her upstairs reading, him upstairs getting ready for his interview tomorrow, and I finished the episode I was on, and now here I am upstairs in my turn, it’s time for bed, and another day has passed.

Ten more days until the day that marks a year. Those days are clearly going to be really really hard, as each one that gets closer to it seems to feel worse. And what the f*ck do you call it? It’s not what I think of as an anniversary – those are things to be celebrated right?. People out there call it all sorts of things. It’s their lost one’s heavenly birthday, their deathiversary, so many things, none of which make any sense. It’s hardly something to be celebrated unless, unlike me, you believe that he’s gone to a much better happier place. I wish I had the comfort and security of belief…but I don’t. So I have no name for it. Anniversary is the most dictionary appropriate term, so I guess that’s what it is. And I can feel it coming in the air tonight…like a storm gathering on the horizon, red sky in the morning, shepherd’s warning. You can run, but you can’t hide…

I miss him so much. There just aren’t the words. So here’s the song from Criminal Minds today that resonated tonight. I’m trying to still shine for him, but I’m doing a pretty lousy job of it at the moment. Now I’m off to try and find him in my dreams again…and then I’ll wake up to another day just to be alone again. How do I do this? He was my everything. One day at a time, that’s how. Same sh*t different day, and the days pass, and maybe one day I’ll know where I’m going. Right now I’m just holding on by the skin of my teeth…

Tomorrow is Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays. A quote which quite possible only my Dad will get, but there you go, there it is. I am very grateful that I still have family; those I was born with, and those who have become family through circumstance. We are bonded by blood, or history, or shared experience, or through the fires we have walked through together, or whatever. F*ck knows how I’d be doing this without them. Without you all. Thank you. Two little words that I don’t use enough, but that I whole broken-heartedly mean.

Sweet dreams are made of this

Tough times at the moment. Not an easy week, and it’s only Tuesday. I dreamt of him last night, and my thoughts have never strayed far from him which, as my ever practical daughter pointed out, is hardly surprising considering the current timing.

It was such an odd dream, in a weird place, with lots of people, and he was back and his normal cheeky life and soul self, but I could never find out where he’d been, or quite keep a grip on him, and even though I was loving seeing him and having him around, I knew he couldn’t be, that it wasn’t right. Even asleep my brain can’t, or won’t, lie to me. And then so it all kind of splintered, and chaos spread and…well, I don’t remember the details. I remember not wanting the alarm to wake me up, and hitting snooze a lot, because every time I went back to sleep, I went back into the same dream where he was, even though I knew he couldn’t be. However it was still better than not having him at all and I didn’t want to wake up to a world without him again, and then I had to…so it’s safe to say it wasn’t the best way to start the day. Tears for breakfast…

On the upside, once I’d got myself together again, I then managed to lose myself in work for a good few hours. And I made myself do some of that while on the spin bike since, thanks to my anti depressants, my weight has become a real issue, and exercise is good on many levels. So that’s two positive things. But I’ve not been far from tears all day. Too many trigger memories, random memories, things that pop up out of nowhere. Then there’s the thought of eldest getting the next job he’s going for and moving out, followed by youngest going back to uni, and it being just me here, alone. Thinking about them being away for a week on holiday with the Ex, and me being home alone. I’m just so scared of how that’s going to be, how it might feel, what’s going to happen… There’s also needing to sort some things out for my folks and not feeling like I have enough emotional energy or strength to cope with myself right now, let alone something else which is stressful and emotional and too close to home. And the clock is still ticking down to the anniversary, and I still haven’t made a plan for coping with it, and I really need to. I can’t avoid it, though I know I’m trying to. It’s going to arrive, it’s going to happen. It’s going to be a sh*t weekend, for that and other reasons. For various reasons I probably can’t do what I would usually do, so I’m just at a lost as to what to do to mark it, to help me get through it. Fail to prepare, prepare to fail…but what the hell do you do for a weekend like that, when you’re surrounded by people to whom it doesn’t mean the same as it does to you, who don’t/can’t really get it? I’m going to want, and need, to cry a lot, and not be holding it in just to spare other people.

As I said to my friend the other day, who’s struggling with his own his issues, life’s just a bit of a shit storm these days isn’t it? He agreed, I agree; yes it is.

Thanks to those of you who sent me a message or commented here last time; it’s just the little things that help. Knowing that someone out there is thinking of me reminds me that the world is a little bigger than just here. That other people get it. That we’re in this together, cos I’m thinking of you all too, even if I’m rubbish at staying in touch or reaching out. I’m either busy, so my head is elsewhere, or I’m not and my head is lost in the downward spiral, and then I don’t contact anyone anyway. Which is an explanation not an excuse.

Even though it didn’t help today, as I head for sleep now, I still hope to dream of him. Masochistic no doubt. But since life sucks – give me something. I’ll take nothing, just give me something, anything, to help keep me going.