Depth charge

I’ve slept. I got up in time to go and get my phone screen fixed while hanging out with George. I’ve come home, had a pint with eldest, and been to work for a few hours before having a drink with my boss to check that he’s happy with how I’m coping with work, which he is, well, happy enough anyway. I’ve had a couple of drinks with Kevin, my mate and also Matt’s boss. And I’ve come home via the shop so that I could make myself a wrap for dinner, that being one of the few things I don’t mind eating sometimes, which stops people nagging me about eating.

So here I am. Back home. Alone. And there’s that word. Alone. I’ve just spent a quarter of an hour talking to you in the kitchen while I assembled food, and I know how ridiculous that sounds, and I knew how ridiculous it was when I was doing it. But I couldn’t help myself, I just wanted to talk to you. I miss talking to you. And sure, I didn’t get any response, like that was going to happen. But sometimes it’s just better to say things out loud, and get them out of inside me. I want to believe you can hear me, that I’m making either myself or you feel better by putting my feelings out there. It’s all I can do now. Talk to the void.

I had other options this evening, but these days I just have to go with what works for me, and so I chose to to have drinks with Kevin, rather than hang out with someone new at her place. I still need security and familiarity. I know it would probably be healthier for me to get out more, but I just can’t yet. I’m happier being where you were. There’s a sense of comfort and familiarity to it, even if it hurts worse because of your absence. Lying here, once upon a time, you were right here, next to me, just a heartbeat away, and however things move on, I never want to forget that. All the rest of the stuff that’s going on behind the scenes at the moment is just gravy, I was yours, and you were mine, and we knew that. Just so as you know, even though you always had problems believing it, I love you. SO much. Another day is over and another day looms. Yet another day I don’t get to share with you. A gig we were going to together, and now we’re not, and I’ll probably cry through the whole thing. But I’m still going to go, just with eldest instead of you. You’d probably have hated it anyway. But that’s not the point…

Oh and please stop telling me I look better, or brighter, or whatever. You may well be right. Maybe I do. But bear in mind that appearances can be deceptive…because that is not how I’m feeling inside. And the idea that I’m somehow ok already, feels like such a massive insult to you and to what we had and to how I still feel about you… I know I don’t need to wear a widow’s weeds, or a sackcloth & ashes, but I just don’t have the words to describe how that makes me feel. Like I’m betraying you or letting you go. I’m not and I couldn’t, I can’t and I don’t want to. I’m not ready to let you go and I’m not sure I ever will be, even though I may learn to live with your absence  as life moves forwards. Love you hon xx.

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