Nearly there

Monday morning. Woke up to a text from the Coroner’s representative to let me know that the Coroner has listed Matt’s inquest as next Wednesday 18th at 12.00pm. Inevitably as I had an all day tattoo session booked that day; it was either going to screw with that or the work Christmas do, right? Sods law, as ever. At least the tattoo session can be rescheduled. Hopefully for before Christmas, but I doubt it, there’s not much spare time left, and there’s a lot of work to do between now and then.

Anyway, in just over a week the final nail in the bureaucratic coffin will be hammered in. The coroner will go over the facts, record his final official verdict, and the official death certificates will be issued. I will be there. I can’t explain why I want to be there; I feel like I need to be, ought to be, that I should bear witness to the last stage in the process. I’ve been with him every step along the way, and I’ll be with him for this one. Even though I knew it was coming, just knowing it’s in the diary now has left me feeling emotional and weepy all day.

And it will all be finalised before Christmas. (Matt hated it when I started a sentence with an And. So I’m going to do it again.) And then maybe we can make the New Year a new start, and hope that 2020 isn’t as bad as 2019 has been. Although ironically the first 7.5 months of the year were 99% amazing, which has all been swept away by that which came after.

I know nothing has changed materially. It was just a text. It’s just a date in the diary. Today is just like yesterday. I even had a reasonably good day at work, and felt like I might be getting more on top of things. But this evening I just miss him so much more. As ever, when there’s any news in my life, or anything goes well, or doesn’t, I wanted to pick up the phone and tell him about it. And I couldn’t. I’ve just downloaded our entire WhatsApp history, (WhatsApp is starting to not support some platforms) so it doesn’t get lost, and made the mistake of reading some of it, and it’s so hard to believe we’ve gone from the amazing that that was to this. And on top of all that, my endo ouchy is kicking off big style. It’s all just not fair. Yes, I know life’s not fair, but for f*cks sake! Really? God knows where I’d be without my family, my friends and my meds. Hanging in there by an even thinner thread I imagine…

On the upside, this weekend I finally got my ring back. Some people might think it’s a bit macabre. But it’s not about them, is it? It’s the closest thing I can get to having him with me, and I’ll wear it when I want to, when I need to feel him that little bit closer, when it brings me some comfort.

Austin and I walked home from the pub tonight looking up to the night sky, to the stars, to the waxing moon, and I thought of him, and how we’d look at the moon together. How we’d lie snuggled up in bed together at night when the moon was full, with the curtains open, and watch it pass by while its light filled the room. Now I’ll have to watch it for the two of us. He was my star, my beautiful boy, and I hope he’s up there somewhere looking down and watching over me as I look up searching for him. Love you Matt xx

It never rains but…

A night of bad and surreal dreams that often included Matt did not set me up for a good day. To wake up and have him be gone again instantly, in the opening of an eye, is brutal. But I got up because I had to, and got myself what passes for sorted. At least these days I don’t care what I look like, so throwing clothes on is easier, and there’s no point wearing make up as it would inevitably get washed off at some point or another, so getting ready for the day is a lot quicker than it used to be.

I then tried to run an errand, and discovered that my car wouldn’t start. Not surprising since it hasn’t been driven anywhere for ages, so I had to get eldest to help out. Luckily he was home from his night away with the Ex just in time, and able to do so, before my folks turned up. Errand run, time for Sunday lunch.

We had a fairly pleasant Sunday lunch all together at the Lamb, with the added drama of some poor customer having a TIA. I kept his wife company for a bit before the ambulance arrived, which brought back some less then pleasant memories, even more so when it did. Simon (the landlord) was brilliant with the whole thing and it all worked out and the gent in question was well enough to be released back into the pub. I just wish that had been the case in our case. But it wasn’t was it? And there once more opened the chasm that I can’t get ever get across.

And so we went home, with me already more than a little on the emotional side. Eldest jump-started the car with Dad. I spent an unhappy half an hour or so trying to find a battery charger in the garage. Matt completely rearranged and reorganised it and I have no clue what’s what in there, or where what is. Eventually I found three of them(!) one of which turned out to be the right one, and which Dad and eldest got set up to charge the battery. In the meantime, while rummaging, I discovered that it would appear that there are also boxes of Matt’s stuff in the garage, as well as in the roof and in the conservatory and in the hall, and under the stairs. Boxes that are random mixes of useless junk alongside photo albums and bits and bobs that were clearly precious to him. All of which need sorting out and just looking through one box, even in passing, reduced me to emotional wreck status. All of that ‘him’ just gone…it’s just beyond sad…😢

Anyway, I pulled it together for a bit, and Dad got my copy of the Sheppy Inn print into the frame I brought from TKMaxx. So that was good, and it looks good. I just need to hang it now. But at least something actually got achieved today. And then they went home, eldest took a time out, and I went and took refuge in the church for a bit, because I needed some quiet peaceful place to cry and not be embarrassed by it, because walking around with tears streaming uncontrollably down your face tends to make people feel awkward. But sadly even churches close, so I’m back to hiding in a corner in the Oakhouse, trying to express just how bad I’m feeling with words, which aren’t even coming close to doing the job today. Facebook has handily just chosen to remind me that a year ago I was sitting in here with him and Anona by the open fire. Not helpful.

Ouchy has chosen today to wake up so I’m in considerable amounts of actual physical pain for the first time since Matt’s death, and he’s not here to support me or look after me. When the pain is like this any ability I might have to hold myself together just crumbles. It always frustrated Matt that he couldn’t take it away for me, he hated seeing me in such pain; all he could do was curl up with me and do the best he could to look after me and make me feel better. We’d fall asleep snuggled up with his hand laid flat palm down on my side where the pain lives, like a little hot water bottle, and it was so helpful and so sweet. The meds aren’t working yet, and tonight that hand won’t be there. Another one of those ‘firsts’… Hopefully the antidepressants will do their job and knock me into sleep. Otherwise it’s going to a long sad lonely night.

Today I am not coping. Today I am struggling. Today the feeling of loneliness is overwhelming. It’s not been a good weekend. I just don’t know what to do with myself any more, or why to do anything at all. It’s so hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other…when without you, let’s be perfectly honest, I don’t want to. 😭💔